The Holidays Can Be Complicated After Placement

If you're a birthmother facing your first holiday season after adoption placement, you might feel something you didn’t expect: emotional conflict. Many women in this situation feel caught between joy for their child and sadness for the space that now exists. You may feel grief, relief, guilt, or even numbness. All of it is real, and all of it is valid.

Adoption doesn’t cancel out your emotions. It doesn’t erase your motherhood. And the holidays often bring these truths to the surface in ways that surprise people.

You're Not Alone in These Feelings

It’s common to wonder if something is wrong with you for not feeling joyful during this time of year. But navigating holidays after adoption placement is rarely simple.

You might:

• Miss the baby you placed
• Feel tension around holiday gatherings
• Struggle with how to explain things to friends or family
• Question your decision all over again

This is grief, and it can come in waves. Sometimes it hits when you least expect it seeing a baby at a family party or watching a holiday movie. Sometimes it creeps in slowly. Either way, you are not broken. You are grieving a real loss, even if you made that choice from a place of love.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

The holidays are full of expectations—from family, culture, social media. But your emotions may not fit the picture of holiday cheer. That's OK.

You don’t have to perform happiness. You don’t have to explain your story. You don’t have to hold it all together.

Grief doesn’t take a holiday. Give yourself permission to:

• Say no to gatherings that don’t feel supportive
• Create quiet space for reflection or journaling
• Celebrate in new ways that honor your emotions
• Talk openly with a counselor or trusted person

CFK offers emotional support throughout the year. You never have to pretend with us.

Holidays in Open Adoption

If you’re in an open or semi open adoption, the holidays can offer opportunities to connect. Some birthmothers receive photos, letters, or even visit with the adoptive family.

But this, too, can stir deep feelings. Seeing your child happy and growing can bring joy and pain. It’s OK to feel both.

If you have a relationship with the adoptive family, you can:

• Discuss what kind of contact feels right during the holidays
• Send a gift, card, or letter if you want to
• Set boundaries around communication if you need space

You don’t owe anyone a certain version of "strong." You deserve compassion in every part of this journey.

If You Don’t Have Contact

Not all adoptions are open. If you don't have contact with the adoptive family, the silence during the holidays can feel especially heavy.

In this case, you might find comfort by:

• Lighting a candle or setting up a small tribute space
• Writing a letter to your child (even if you don’t send it)
• Volunteering or donating in your child’s honor
• Talking with a counselor who understands adoption loss

This is still your child. That connection doesn’t end because you don’t have contact. There are still ways to express your love.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health

Grief and depression often intensify during the holidays. Add the complexities of adoption, and it can feel overwhelming.

You are allowed to reach out for help. You are allowed to say, "This is too much."



CFK connects birthmothers with counselors who understand the adoption journey. You deserve support that makes space for every part of your experience.

Creating New Traditions

Some birthmothers find healing in creating new holiday rituals. These traditions can honor your role as a birthmother and help bring peace during an emotionally charged season.

Consider:



• Baking a specific cookie or lighting a special candle each year
• Making a donation to a children’s charity in your child’s name
• Writing a holiday letter each year to your child, even if kept private
• Taking time to focus on self care as an annual tradition

These acts don’t erase the grief, but they can offer a sense of connection and purpose.

You’re Still a Mother

Even if you don’t parent your child, your love still matters. Your story still matters. You carried a life, made an impossible decision, and are now walking a path many don’t understand. That takes strength.

The holidays may never feel the same. But they can still hold meaning, growth, and healing.

Support Is Available Anytime

CFK is here to walk with you through all seasons not just during the adoption process. Whether you need someone to talk to, ask questions, or simply sit with you in the sadness, you’re never alone.

Call or text CFK: (330) 294-9811

Reach out to CFK at options@cfkadopt.org to talk with someone who understands.